Body Count Equals Bullshit

I am pleased to say that it’s been a very long time since I’ve been asked about my body count. Meaning it’s been a long time since anyone has asked me how many people I’ve had sex with and thank fuck for that, because it’s a ridiculous turn of phrase and to me it is equally ridiculous to preoccupy yourself with that information with regards to your partner(s). 

Now, I want to be clear, I do believe it’s important to have clear and honest information regarding your partner’s sexual health. That is what sexual health testing is for though. You could have sex with one person, unprotected, one time and catch an STI, while someone else might have had protected sex with one thousand people and be STI free. Numbers tell you nothing, regular testing is what gives you the most accurate information to keep yourself sexually healthy.

Numbers mean nothing, despite the bullshit takes you see online sometimes from the folks who know zero about physical anatomy or for that matter spiritual anatomy (that’s a thing right?). We are not lesser beings if our numbers are sky high and we are not somehow closer to God by keeping our numbers low. That’s not to say I don’t have respect for folks who choose not to have sex, or who choose to keep their numbers low, I do, I have respect for however you choose to use your body and whoever you choose to share it with, but I extend that respect all across the spectrum of how people choose to fuck. 

That also includes how people choose to define a sexual partner. This hasn’t even stayed the same for me personally, so I don’t expect everyone else to define it the same as me either. I once went home with a guy and he touched my junk and I touched his, but I don’t feel like he was a ‘sexual partner’, it just didn’t feel sexual, so for me so for me it never occurs to me to ‘add it to the list’. Speaking of my list, I would quite literally have to stop and think very hard to remember the number. I don’t keep an actual list or give a number to every person I fuck. Not that the number is increasing at the moment. Mr F and I are monogamous so our numbers are static. 

When we met though I was non-monogamous and he wasn’t looking for anything serious. He could have had a new woman in his bed every night and I wouldn’t have known because I didn’t ask. Likewise, I know he assumed I had more action going on than I did, because that did come up in conversation, but it was a genuine conversation not an inquisition or a request for information. 

I couldn’t tell you how many people Mr F has had sex with and likewise he couldn’t tell you that information about me. I could take an educated guess, or at least a minimum guess, he could likely do the same, but I don’t think we care enough about numbers to even do that. I did mention to Mr F that I’d be writing about this and he said that even he doesn’t know his number, apparently there were some ‘lost nights’ in his youth that he cannot be sure didn’t add to his tally. I don’t think he’s alone in this and I’m glad he doesn’t feel he has to lie about it or falsify information to give me a figure I will feel secure about. 

The fact that in 2023 some people are still placing worth on how many people you have had sex with is mind boggling. I can actually see how once upon a time it could have been an issue, when we didn’t have as many ways to protect ourselves from STI’s and unwanted pregnancies. A time when certain diseases could have been fatal rather than easily treated. We don’t live in those times now though, we’ve moved on, we have so much information at our fingertips so the fact we are still, at times, shamed about how many people we’ve fucked is largely just misogynistic, patriarchal bullshit because let’s be honest more often than not people have a bigger problem with women with a high count than they do men. 

It’s gross to me that I still regularly see discussions online about men wanting to settle down with a woman who hasn’t been with any/many men, when the man in question has fucked everyone he can or a man finds out his partner once had a threesome and suddenly he’s questioning her morals and who she is as person. I saw one a while back where a couple broke up briefly and when they got back together they guy said he could tell she’d slept around while they were apart because she’d gotten too ‘loose’ down there! Are you fucking kidding me with this shit? We are not the sum of what or who we fuck! And our vaginas don’t grow to the size of the Grand Canyon if we’ve fucked the entirety of the U.K! 

I’m not lying or exaggerating when I say I would end any relationship that involved making me feel bad about who I’d had sex with. To be honest, I don’t think I’d keep any friendship that involved judging my sex life either. I have no interest in justifying why, who or how many I’ve fucked because it’s nobody’s else’s business. 

I’m not saying you shouldn’t share if you want to though, especially if you’re sharing with like minded people during good conversations, hell, maybe even sexy conversations. Maybe your last or current sex adventures get things going between you and your partner, I’m not for one minute trying to discourage sharing when it’s going to be well received. I am all for positive and/or sexy sharing. 

I also think the whole body count question lends itself to the assumption that most people should be having or expected to be having long term monogamous relationships as the gold standard. If your number is high because you’ve enjoyed lots of short term relationships your commitment is questioned, again assuming long term commitment is everyone’s goal. 

There would also be an assumption that each encounter happened one on one. Someone could have slept with ten people, one being one on one and the other nine during a gang bag and I absolutely guarantee there are plenty of folk who’d be happy with their partner having slept with ten people, but would quickly change their mind once they heard the majority were enjoyed during a gang bang. So again, numbers don’t exactly tell the whole picture. I’d personally do a little squeal if Mr F said he’d had a gang bang and I’d politely ask for all the details, but that’s just me. 

To my mind the number of sexual partners a person has had tells me the least amount of information possible about them. It doesn’t tell me about their likes and dislikes, it doesn’t tell me about their good times and bad, it doesn’t tell me anything about their personality, their moral compass or what they’re looking for in a relationship. It’s just a number, like any other and it could be zero or too many to count and if I’m interested in you it would never be the defining factor in whether or not I’d fuck you.

One thought on “Body Count Equals Bullshit

  1. I think(?) I’ve talked about numbers with partners before, but not in the context of it being *about* numbers. Like, I’m not gonna take part in an inquisition. But for sure I’m happy to discuss pretty much anything if the intent is better understanding. For sure I’ve had men ask me if I’ve had previous experience with __________ [pegging, spanking, rope, etc] and those kinds of conversations can lead to “counting” (or recounting, in the way of memories. But I guess I’m fortunate because I’ve never been expected to present a tally sheet or been in any way downgraded when I’ve shared experience.

    Except: my mother… *laugh*

    I love her, but she can’t really wrap her head around the idea that having sex with more than one person in your lifetime is okay. She’s had three partners (two were husbands) and because that’s two too many (in her view), she has this weird Victorian opinion that she is somehow Damaged Goods.

    I might have to write about that.

    A n y w a y

    I agree: who cares? If you’ve had five hundred partners you could still be lousy in bed. And if you’ve had less than five you could be the hottest thing that ever burned up my sheets. With sex partners I’m much more interested in what we can do/be together than in what you did/were with anyone that came before we met.

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