What’s My Kind of Foreplay?

I have two very conflicting opinions, firstly foreplay is trash and the concept should get in the bin, secondly foreplay is awesome and I hate going without it. 

When I was learning about sex and first having sex foreplay was predominantly considered to be fingering, oral sex and handjobs. These were things you did before you had sexual intercourse, intercouse which involved a penis going into a vagina. All the information I had access to growing up was surrounding heterosexual sex and all of it assumed getting to P.I.V was the main goal. 

That’s all well and good but if fingering is meant to get me in the mood for P.I.V what is meant to get me in the mood for fingering? In reality I know the answer to the question. I know exactly where getting me in the mood starts and it isn’t with any of the foreplay I was taught about in my younger years. 

Mr F and I don’t manage to have sex as often as either of us would like, but as soon as we do have a chance we’re usually both ready to go, I’m sure the reason is because we verbally and physically make sure the other person knows they’re desired at all times, even if we know sex is unlikely to happen any time soon. 

He is always saying cute things to me, like asking why we aren’t naked together (the answer is always ‘because parenting’ or ‘work’), or if I ask what he wants for lunch he’ll just say ‘you’. He also kisses me, grabs my butt, tweaks my nipple, cuddles me. It’s all small things that keep me in a constant state of wanting to jump his bones. 

He also makes an effort for us as a couple and as a family. I tend to take on most of the emotional and domestic labour for the household, not because he asks me to but mostly because I have the time at home to do and organise. However, he does make sure I am getting the breaks I need and I will tell you honestly that isn’t an easy task because as he rightly pointed out recently I’m stubborn and often shoulder more than I need to. 

I realise that should be a description of all relationships, but I think we all know it isn’t and I’ve been in relationships where those responsibilities weren’t shared and it didn’t make me feel sexy. It made me feel like a maid and a secretary. Which can be sexy role plays but the reality of them often isn’t sexy at all, especially when you’re actually meant to be a partnership born out of love, equality and respect. Actually feeling that I’m loved, cared for, respected and treated as an equal makes me really horny for the man that treats me right. 

So if that is our foreplay, what do I class oral sex and fingering as? Sex. Those things to me are sex. When we are engaging in those acts we are doing the sex. So long as we don’t have to stop (because parents)  sex for me starts with the hot and heavy smooching and ends when we are all cleaned up. 

That’s why I find the term foreplay frustrating because it isn’t always encouraging people to want more, to ask for more, to be blatantly honest and say that without more their libido dries up. 

This question constantly comes up on Reddit too (yes I’m a Reddit addict, it’s one of my few vices) always men asking how they can get more sex or spicier sex or the sex act they want. Out of those men only a tiny, tiny position, if any, are willing to accept the advice given and make changes. If you suggest something like a massage the answer I’ve seen way too often is ‘oh I tried that but I get too eager and it’s ends early but she complains is wasn’t long enough’ … er, yeah, because it wasn’t long enough and you made it all about you again and not about her! 

The question they’re really asking is how can I get maximum output with the bare minimum, or no effort and to me that’s how foreplay seems to be portrayed more often than not, outside of sex positive circles like the blogging community. When foreplay is a checkbox of things to do for just long enough so the end result is a penis getting to have a jizztastic climax then yes, I think it’s absolute shit and nothing to cheer about. 

I want people to be having oodles of foreplay but I want that to be the foreplay they need, not just the two minutes of oral sex I used to get in a previous relationship before it was time for the BJ then would then lead straight to sex! And they wondered, just like the men of Reddit, why I was never in the mood!

One thought on “What’s My Kind of Foreplay?

  1. I don’t think *anything* is specifically “foreplay.” It totally depends on what the Main Event is. If the ME is a kiss, then the foreplay is any/everything, mental/physical;emotional, that led up to the kiss. If fingering is the ME, then perhaps kissing would be included in foreplay.

    I tend not to think of foreplay in any kind of conscious way, but I do *recognize* it in the reconstructive aftermath. As in, I can look back and see that A led to B which catapulted to F. But the ‘traditional’ view of foreplay being a specific/proscribed set of conditions that precede PIV sex hasn’t ever worked for me.

    (And then, I come from a current perspective of not having had — or wanted — PIV sex in a long time.)

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