The Vows I’ve Made
- on Aug 25, 2023
I made wedding vows once, I’m not married anymore and I don’t think making the vows got us anywhere in reality. I meant them with all my heart and I know my ex-husband did too, but I just think that the reality of life couldn’t be combated by the fact we made vows. They were quite traditional wedding vows, we didn’t write our own and truth be told I don’t know what I would have said back then if we had done.
Between my divorce and meeting Mr F I explored relationships in all kinds of ways. No vows included, certainly now legally binding ones. For a long time I thought I had no interest in making vows ever again. Now I’m not so sure.
Mr F isn’t overly fussed about marriage. If the time comes he does decide he’d like to get married I’d wager it won’t be for a long while. So at the moment we’re just living in sin, with our out of wedlock baby and planning our life together without any vows to guide us along the way and honestly that’s working out very well for us.
We talk a lot, about all sorts of things, we communicate well and I think we’re both very clear on how we feel about each other, but if we got married I’m still not sure what kind of vows I’d want to make.
More than any other person in my life Mr F had shown me that actions speak louder than words. Yes, words are also affirming and never hearing them would definitely be problematic I’m sure. The truth is though I’ve never felt more beloved, more cherished and more secure than I have in this relationship even though we don’t do ‘I love you’ very often and he doesn’t make grand verbal declarations or make promises that go nowhere.
Everyday we get up and we show each other with our actions that we are here and that we actively want each other. Maybe that’s what our vows would be, neither of us believes in promising forever unless forever makes you happy, so we’d never want to promise ‘to death us do part’ or similar, because what is the point in that, if at some point you’re miserable.
I think vows that would be true to us would go something like this …
I promise to never take you for granted,
For everyday that we are together,
I will spend that day showing you how much you mean to me,
I will kiss you, hug you and fuck you often,
I promise that for everyday that you choose to continue this journey with me I will make sure you feel wanted, loved and adored.
It’s not very long, and we probably couldn’t use that explicit version in front of friends and family, but essentially that’s the approach we have to being together.
The further I got through this post, and the previous one that I decided wasn’t quite right, the more I’m realising I think we’d actually find making vows in front of people a bit awkward and weird. We are however very good at public displays of physical affection, so we’d just be desperately waiting for our ‘you can kiss the bride’ moment. I think I would like to get married one day, but that’s less about the wedding and more about the legal security, which isn’t very romantic I know.
If I’m brutally honest, I’d be quite happy to do the legal bit with as little fuss as possible, then spend any money that would have been for a wedding on a few days away with just us and no kids! We, of course, love the children but it’s hard to be intimate as a couple with them running around and being small. The problem with this idea is my eldest is desperate for us to get married and would totally be up for at least some kind of wedding. Not sure I could disappoint his little face by saying it’s happening but not in any kind of way that requires a suit and a party!
Time will tell if we ever decide to make any kind of formal vows, if we never do though, I think we’ll still be alright.
I didn’t find vows the easiest topic to write on, after I’d finished writing the part above I told Mr F what I’d been working on and he pointed out that I could write about other kinds of vows, none of which really suited me either. He then mentioned that at some point hadn’t I made a vow to sort my life out and that made my brain think of the most important vows I’ve ever made and ones I’ll never stray from.
When I separated from my ex-husband I felt stifled as a person and a million miles away from being ‘me’. Not all of the adventures I had on the way to finding myself again were healthy or moments I like to remember but they all helped shape the promises I made to myself and for that I am grateful.
The vow I made to myself was simply to always allow myself to exist just as I want to, not watering myself down, not making myself smaller, not existing to fit a mould that someone else provided for me. It’s okay if people don’t want me when I’m being totally me, they’re clearly not my people.
When I met Mr F I was very clear on the parts of my life I would change, areas that allowed for compromise and things that I absolutely refused to back down on. To other people they probably seem trivial, my hair colour, my tattoos, my bodily autonomy are not negotiable. I won’t be told what I should wear or how I should look. I often do discuss these changes with Mr F but I made it clear right from the start that the ability to be spontaneous with these things is important to me, so I will never feel he is owed a say in whether my hair is changed or a new tattoo is added. The exception to this being is if those decisions affect the household, for example if we had no money and I was spending hundreds on tattoos I would understand him stepping in. But I’m not daft and food, bills and family always come first.
As selfish as it sounds in many ways I am my own first priority. If I’m not feeling good and feeling like myself then I can’t be the best mum and partner, and I absolutely want to be the best I can be for my son’s and for Mr F. So I make sure I feel fulfilled as an individual, so that I don’t get into that rut again of not knowing who I am outside of being a mum and a partner.
It’s part of why I started this blog even though I wasn’t blogging very much and had decided to shut down FlossDoesLife. Having this outlet and being able to talk openly about sex and relationships is a massive part of expressing who I am. I like sharing dirty things, even if that isn’t as often as it once was. I like sharing nudes and that’s also something I wasn’t willing to give up. Luckily Mr F is very proud of my blogging and fully supports the sharing of nudes and filthy little tales that get folks excited.
I think that’s why he’s my person, because he understands and supports me as a person (as I do him) in my own right, not just in ways that benefit him. Which sounds ludicrous, surely all partnerships should be that way, but I think we all know they’re not. I am very grateful to have someone in my life who not only remembers I made a vow to myself but actively reminds me of it.